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July - Sept. 2010

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Christian Singles:

Hurting People Hurt Others

By Pastor Jim Rives

The reality is that most Christian singles do not want to hurt others. If you were to ask Christian singles about hurting others they would look you straight in the face in disbelief. The fact that Christian singles may be hurting others does not occur to them at all.

If Christian singles do not intend to hurt others then why is there such a force driving this behavior. I am glad you asked and hope that if you are hurting, or when you are hurting, you will recall what I am about to share with you.

The body does not like PAIN. It hates it so much that it develops defenses to reduce or mask the pain. If one allows these "mechanisms" to mature within their spirit and not properly address the source, the mechanisms will build their own set of forces. These forces MUST surface and they work their way out of our spirits into our feelings and thoughts. They distort reality and soon the hurting Christian singles are seeking the "cause" of their pain outside themselves.

When this cycle matures the person becomes very critical and sensitive to others. They cannot bear to address the cause of their own pain. In fact, if this condition is allowed to continue they will soon not be able to discern from where their pain emanates. What comes next is a very critical spirit. No one pleases them unless they are focusing attention on them in the way that soothes their spirit. Have you known Christian singles like this?

It is not fun to be around a hurting person who has allowed this condition to mature within them. You will find that their total conversation is critical of others. They see every action around them through very critical eyes and it becomes nearly impossible to please them. Have you known Christian singles like this? Or encountered Christian singles like this in the online Christian dating services?

Guess what happens next? Misery loves company! The critical person sets out to throw a pity party and insists on others coming. It may not be an actual invitation to a time and place for the party but they attempt to draw others into their whining and criticism.

DEAR CHRISTIAN SINGLES, IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A CRITICAL SPIRIT:

· When you find your mouth communicating a lot of criticism, especially with force, step aside and challenge why you are acting this way.

Instead of trying to draw other Christian singles into your critical view, seek your Heavenly Daddy's input and guidance.

· If Christian singles continue down this path of criticism, etc, you will harm their body and spirit. You will become a walking magnet that repels others from you. You will hurt others without even knowing it as you try to feed your pain.

If the inner source of your pain or criticism does not become obvious to you, seek the feedback of a mature Christian friend or your pastor. If they are not able to give you direction, find a good counselor who is trained to help YOU uncover the source.

· Think about what life will be when you are at peace and see the world with its possibilities instead of its rejections.

DEAR CHRISTIAN SINGLES, IF YOU FIND YOURSELF BEING HURT BY ANOTHER:

Consider whether or not their action or words may be coming from an inner pain. Pray for them and ask God to take away the effect of their words and give you wisdom in how to relate to them.

· Do not join in their pity party or critical ways. You have the power to say "No, I do not want to be a part of criticism."

Demonstrate love and acceptance of the person. Remember how God loves you when you are unlovable.
· In love, ask God to show you ways to encourage the person and perhaps a word that would cause them to ponder their ways.

If you see them being disruptive and causing others to stumble, share this with them, and if it persists then share it with your pastor or spiritual leader.

In closing, allow me to share an insight that comes from relating to thousands of Christian singles in groups. Critical Christian singles who choose to live in their pain drive others away from them. They keep trying to find a friend, but the only ones that will respond are others who are also choosing to live in their pain. Yes, life does give us pain and it often takes some time to process through to find peace again.

However, it is a quite different thing to embrace your pain and choose not to process it in a healthy manner. To take the pain and become a bitter and critical person is a huge price to pay. God does not want Christian singles to live life in this way. The Bible gives us this promise:

1 Corinthians 10:13

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

When you find yourself hurting, look inside to the source and not at others. Others may throw their darts and words at you, but God gives us the power to not become entrapped in them.

DEAR CHRISTIAN SINGLES, DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO ROB YOU OF YOUR JOY!

In His love,
Pastor Jim

A truth that one quickly learns when they counsel others is that “hurting people hurt others.” You would think that hurting people, especially among Christian singles, would be the last in line to hurt others. Pain and suffering are at the opposite end of enjoyment. Why would those Christian singles who are hurting want to hurt others?